Title: American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers

Author: Nancy Jo Sales

Published: Feb 2016

Read: June 2016

So, this one was an eye-opener. I mean, I think in the past I had heard about what kids were doing in school these days (I probably read her long-form article in Vanity Fair months or years earlier), but I didn’t give it much thought (which is why I’m pretty sure I read the article, but can only sort of remember it). I picked this book up because I’ve been trying to learn a little bit more about various social media accounts for work purposes, and this book was available through my work library.

Well, holy crap. Kids are doing some ridiculously crazy stuff at high school (and even younger) these days. Here are a few key takeaways:

• Girls are being asked to send nude pics to boys over text. And they agree to it. Because if they don’t, the kids in class will shun or shame. Oh, and when they do, boys will share the pics without permission. Great.
• Some girls do it and don’t bat an eye. I suspect it’s because they are unaware of the boundaries, of the right to privacy, of what is acceptable and what is illegal.
• Boys like to send pics of their junk to girls, whether it’s solicited or not
• Porn is readily available (thank you, technology!) and this has really messed with a young person’s reality of what sex actually is, and what intimacy is, and what a relationship is.

I was pretty much reading this entire book with my jaw on the floor. Coincidentally, the week I was finishing this up I got an invitation to be FB friends with my teenage niece. She’s been on Insta and probably Snapchat for some time but was finally getting around to Facebook. I thought it was the right time to email my sister and freak out about this book I was reading and all of the INSANE shit going on in high school these days. (though, i didn’t use the word “shit” because we don’t talk like that). Her response was, “yep, it happens. I know about it and it’s crazy but we’ve talked and this kid is pretty smart about it.” Which is true. My sister is an amazing mom and she and my brother-in-law are raising two amazing, empathetic, smart kids. Phew.

Then, a few days later I was talking with a fellow gym-mate who I know has a kid at Roosevelt. I’m reading this book, I said, and it’s ridiculous and I can’t believe what’s going on. Her response: “Yep, it happens. You need to know all of your kids passwords and be alert to what they’re doing and make sure they don’t block you ‘by accident.'”

Last night I was out with some friends, two of whom are teachers, one at the middle school level and one at the high school level. “Is this really happening in our high schools?” (they both teach at private Catholic schools). “Yep, it’s happening. And what’s worse is these kids have never been taught sex ed, they’re not having those awkward (but so very important) conversations with their parents, who are in denial around sex and relationships and therefore the kids don’t understand how to treat each other, let alone know about pregnancy and STDs.”

For them, this is what they think is normal.

So, my hope that this book was an alarmist over-exaggeration was unfortunately shot down by multiple people I know from multiple schools. And I’m glad I read it because it’s only better preparing me to somehow teach my little first-grader how to have self-respect, to stand up for herself, and to understand what is right and what is wrong (and a lot of what’s going on with these kids is that they have no idea that being asked to share pictures of themselves is beyond wrong. It’s sexual harassment and really needs to be dealt with).

And sharing these stories with other moms and teachers gives me hope that we’re all paying attention and helping each other out because holy crap there’s a lot of insanity going on. Seven years from now, what I’m learning today may not even be relevant. Maybe it will have gotten better. Maybe laws and enforcement will have finally caught up to the technology and access the kids have today. But I really don’t know what I’m up against.

While I was reading this book (and it took me quite a while to finish it because it was almost too painful to keep going, what some of some young girls have to endure) there was a full week or more of national news and discussion around the former Stanford student convicted of raping a unconscious woman. Yes, you know the story. As I read the stories Sales collected about the lack of respect boys showed girls at this age. About the expectations boys had about sex and relationships due to an abundance of porn readily available to young minds. I couldn’t help but think that some of the boys Sales reports about in this book are the ones who are later caught literally with their pants down, doing unfathomable, despicable, illegal acts. That no one thought to tell this young man, or his friends, that this is wrong. After all of these legal woes, think they’ve figured out? Have their parents figured it out? The parents around the nation who think, for some reason, that this is okay, that boys will be boys, or that the girl had it coming?

Infuriating.

Read the book, or at least read an excerpt or listen to her interview on NPR. Whatever you do, do NOT think this couldn’t possibly be happening in your school, your town, or to your kid. It happens.

Recommended to: Parents and others who work or talk with kids or young adults on a regular basis.